The Best Laid Plans...

Another semester has ended and successfully so at that.  I promised I'd post my thoughts on the Osama bin Laden thing, but it will still have to wait.  My heart is so heavy over the topic that I just haven't been able to say what I want in an effective manner.  I do, however, have some other pressing things on my mind.  It was a challenging year, to say the least, and I learned so much about myself - both good and bad.  It seems that I have been adapting too well to the challenge and so life decided to throw in a curve ball just to see how I'll do.  So, here it is...the official shock and awe moment of my life...we are expecting our third child in December!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Yes, I know, everyone is oohing and ahhing.  Here's the thing, people...we were DONE!  We decided many years ago we were not having any more children!  We planned the next five years carefully.  I am finishing my undergrad, going straight to grad school, etc.  HA!  That's what I get for planning!  So, after the denial, disbelief, terror, panic has had time to pass, reality has set in and I am left with disbelief, terror,  and panic!  We broke the news to the boy and the girl, who are both ecstatic over the idea.  It definitely helped and I am feeling little waves of excitement in between my disbelief, terror, and panic.  I still plan to graduate next year...should be fun as a vocal performance major in the fall being SUPER pregnant!  Can't wait for Opera Workshop scenes!  As long as this baby hangs in there until after finals, all should be well.  Am I crazy?  Maybe a little: )  But, that's what makes life interesting.  Now, we'll just have an extra family member to enjoy the ride with us!

A Moment of Guilt

I should be writing a paper about Bach's St Matthew Passion.  I should be packing the house for our move next week.  I should be learning Act Three of Albert Herring.  I should be doing dishes, laundry, SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE!  Instead, I'm blogging.  I am wrestling with feelings of frustration, sadness, guilt, worry.  I sat in the chair at the Voice Center today and watched my vocal folds behave in a manner NOT conducive to professional level singing!  For the last six months or so, I have struggled off and on with unexplained vocal issues.  Teachers theorized that it was stress or allergies.  I wondered if the new techniques I have been trying out were ruining my voice.  Sometimes it just felt like I had forgotten how to sing!  Last Sunday, I performed my Junior Recital for a small crowd of family and friends, but I felt a total wreck the entire time.  I struggled to remember words.  I felt unusually nervous.  The truth is, the entire hours length of performance I had this horrible fear that my voice was not going to come out.  I went for notes that generally come with ease, but would find myself flat or sharp!  I felt completely out of control.  I distinctly recall a moment where I thought about walking off the stage and forgetting the whole thing!  It was as if suddenly there was a break in my voice that was never there before.  The love and support of family and friends helped me to feel better about things, but I couldn't shake the overall feeling of disappointment in myself.  My Mom reminisced about my first solo on Easter Sunday when I was two.  I've been singing my entire life.  Most of my childhood I was ill - I had a chronic cough and terrible asthma.  I always wanted to sing anyway.  Most of my performances, I was sick.  I always hated the feeling of performing ill, but couldn't stop doing it!  My high school music teachers always told me I should stick to piano; that my voice wasn't strong enough and I was too sick to be a singer.  I don't really know why I stuck with singing all these years, but that it's who I am.  After all this time, I am finally trying to finish this degree and seriously pursue performance again.  After the lack-luster recital experience, I told the man I thought I would give up singing after I finished my degree and pursue my Masters in acting.  I really thought I had had enough of the unpredictability of this instrument I live with every day.  Today, the doctor told me my voice is damaged and most likely the only treatment is surgery.  He insists it's safe and virtually no-risk.  The idea terrifies me!  There's no such thing as risk-free surgery!  What if when it's over, I can't sing at all?  Yesterday, I was ready to give it up.  Today, I am told it could be taken away from me and I feel like I can't live without it!  Maybe this is God's way of encouraging me to keep at it?  Now for the guilt part... The world is dealing with major disasters right now.  Tremendous loss is everywhere!  I have friends and family battling serious things like cancer!  How dare I feel so sad over the thought of not being able to sing anymore!  I mean, do I really have the right to be depressed over the possibility of losing my singing voice????  I think not.  And so now I am done.  Time to pack some boxes and move forward.  

Where's the Bacon?

So, it's a new year and I have not blogged in a while.  As I look back on 2010 and the new ventures in my life, I feel a sense of accomplishment, but with a hint of failure thrown in.  Yes, I was quite successful with my first semester back at school - this mama got straight As!  I was moderately successful at balancing that with parenting.  I was a complete and total failure at bringing home the bacon - turkey or otherwise.  That's right.  The new business is off to a SLOW start!  It's frustrating, to say the least, as we could use an extra helping of bacon to plump up our bank accounts right now.  While I feel the urge to be hard on myself for not being the sensational success I set out to be, I am going to try and resist.  It's only been a few months...I think I need to give it time.  Something we all could stand to do...slow down and give things time!  I have always been one to expect instant results from myself - I just laughed out loud at myself for saying that - I began my degree 17 YEARS AGO!!!!!  Not an easy pill for me to swallow.  I finished high school in 3 years.  I often skip steps for the end result.  This degree will be the biggest sigh of relief in my life and I guess I should stop asking myself where's the bacon and have a little patience in the process.  Happy 2011!

The Christmas Zombie

Two weeks until Christmas!  I am not ashamed to say that this holiday makes me giddy and excited, as if Santa were coming to unload a mountain of fabulous presents for ME.  The magic of it all is not lost on this "mature" co-ed.  HOWEVER [I declare emphatically - are you listening?] this Mom is TIRED beyond words.  Papers to write, presentations to give, finals to study for, juries to practice for, (is it bad that I am contemplating going back and fixing the grammar in the previous line...as in, "finals for which to study"?), birthday parties to host, houses to clean, meals to cook, laundry to do...etc, etc, etc.  All I want is a long winter's nap!  I'm trying to force myself to participate in the festivities around me, but am not entirely present for any of it.  The Christmas Zombie!  And for some crazy reason, this zombie decided it a good idea to stay up and write a blog entry...it HAS been almost a month since the last.  But, let's be honest.  My brain has been zombified and I have nothing worthwhile to say.  With all the end-of-semester gobbledy gook floating around in there, it's a miracle I even know my own name!  I promise, oh faithful readers, - all 3 of you - to write more when school is over and I am de-zombified.  

I Know You Are, But What Am I?

Recently, someone said something to me that caught me off guard and made me think.  To protect the innocent, I will not divulge the actual comment.   However, I can say that it made me think about priorities and how we [people] define ourselves.  We are what we eat, right?  tehe...couldn't resist.  Seriously, though, people define themselves based on political party, religion, career, monetary status, etc.  "I am a this...I am a that"...blah, blah, blah!  I'd like to think we are all complicated and intricate beings that defy definition: )  Here's what I'm thinking about today:  does the thing in life to which you devote the majority of your time necessarily have to be your #1 priority?  Many of us spend most of our time at a job.  Does this make it more important than our family?  If I'm currently devoting the majority of my time to school, does that mean it takes priority over my children and my husband?  I'd like to believe it does not.  I'm thinking that perhaps the thing I'd drop everything for is an indicator of priority.  No matter what I'm giving my time to, I would always drop everything and run for the people in my life whom I love!  Don't most of us work  in order to contribute to our family, anyway?  

Clown-Skins

Halloween is upon us, which always brings mixed feelings for me.  The boy has had some traumatic Halloweens, to say the least.  Last year was the first time he was able to say those necessary Halloween words, "Trick-or-Treat".  Every year, he would be so excited, but then when the time came, his Selective Mutism would take over and he would freeze in his tracks.  I'll never forget one year when a neighbor told him he couldn't have any candy if he didn't say trick-or-treat.  He stood there, trembling, and then walked away with his head down, choking back his tears.  Now he's a fully speaking 4th grader and excited about Halloween...sort of.  A week ago, his school hosted a "Boogie Bash" ~ a Halloween-themed dance.  The kids were to come in costume.  He worked on perfecting his costume all afternoon and was all decked out in an "old man clown" outfit, which was pretty hilarious.  As we pulled up to his spooked-out elementary school, the panic ensued.  He became certain he wasn't supposed to be in a costume.  We sat in the car and watched about 10 kids enter, all dressed up, before he was convinced the costume was acceptable attire.  We took our place in the mob of ghouls, fairies, and superheros and awaited our turn to purchase tickets.  Within moments, a small gathering formed around the boy as the kids laughed and laughed at his silly costume.  Under his big, clowny smile, I could see the real mouth of the boy fighting to stay positive.  Tears welled and he quickly stated that he wanted to leave.  I gave him a zillion pep talks, reminding him his costume was supposed to be funny and so laughter was the appropriate response.  He just couldn't feel comfortable in this foreign skin that was bringing so much attention, albeit positive.  Did you ever feel uncomfortable in your own skin, even though you knew you were doing what you were supposed to be doing?  I have been feeling this way for several weeks!  I know finishing school is the right thing to do and that I am right where I belong, but most of the time I feel uncomfortable in my own skin - like I'm wearing a clown-skin and drawing unwanted attention to myself!  The boy ended up winning a costume contest at the Boogie Bash, which helped him relax a bit and feel it was worth all the attention.  As for myself, I think for the rest of this journey, I will consider my undergrad status as a stint in a clown-suit and my prize will be my degree!  Happy Halloween!

The "S" Word

So, the boy went to his first, big-time audition on Thursday and was probably most excited about the fact that one of his lines had a 4 letter word in it!  He was totally stoked that Mom gave him permission to use the "S" word!  While I found his excitement over cursing amusing, I have another "S" word I'd like to pick a bone with today.  I find this particular "S" word to be thrown about, all willy-nilly, and often overused (and quite frankly, misunderstood).  The word is STRESS!!!!  It's all the rage these days!  Everyone's STRESSed out.  There are pills for STRESS.  There are creams for STRESS.  There are tests for STRESS!  An awful lot of STRESS talk going on, but what does it really mean?  As far as I can tell, every single human (and many of our animal friends) are STRESSed out every day!  Right?  Well, let's see.  I looked up STRESS and found a long list of definitions.  According to Dictionary.com, one of these definitions is: physical, mental, or emotional strain or tension.  Sounds about right.  Okay, so let's see a show of hands.  How many of you feel some sort of physical, mental, or emotional strain or tension EVERY SINGLE DAY?  ME, TOO!!!!  I mean, let's face it.  Our world is just one big STRESS factory.  The thing that really irks me, though, is when everyone wants to compare their levels of STRESS.  I mean, come on people, my STRESS is definitely much worse than yours!!!!!  I'm guilty of it as much as the next guy.  You complain about your STRESSful day and all I can think is, "Oh, please!  That's nothing!  Wait 'til you hear what I went through today!".  So, let's just agree that we're all STRESSed out and maybe think about letting go of some of that tension.  I feel like most of the STRESS we feel we bring on ourselves.  Let's just do some yoga and learn to go with the flow!  Try to find the positive in your situations.  This transition in my life is bringing me the pimples of a teenager, but I'm going to try and look on the bright side - it helps me blend in with my classmates: )