Saturday, October 30, 2010
Clown-Skins
Halloween is upon us, which always brings mixed feelings for me. The boy has had some traumatic Halloweens, to say the least. Last year was the first time he was able to say those necessary Halloween words, "Trick-or-Treat". Every year, he would be so excited, but then when the time came, his Selective Mutism would take over and he would freeze in his tracks. I'll never forget one year when a neighbor told him he couldn't have any candy if he didn't say trick-or-treat. He stood there, trembling, and then walked away with his head down, choking back his tears. Now he's a fully speaking 4th grader and excited about Halloween...sort of. A week ago, his school hosted a "Boogie Bash" ~ a Halloween-themed dance. The kids were to come in costume. He worked on perfecting his costume all afternoon and was all decked out in an "old man clown" outfit, which was pretty hilarious. As we pulled up to his spooked-out elementary school, the panic ensued. He became certain he wasn't supposed to be in a costume. We sat in the car and watched about 10 kids enter, all dressed up, before he was convinced the costume was acceptable attire. We took our place in the mob of ghouls, fairies, and superheros and awaited our turn to purchase tickets. Within moments, a small gathering formed around the boy as the kids laughed and laughed at his silly costume. Under his big, clowny smile, I could see the real mouth of the boy fighting to stay positive. Tears welled and he quickly stated that he wanted to leave. I gave him a zillion pep talks, reminding him his costume was supposed to be funny and so laughter was the appropriate response. He just couldn't feel comfortable in this foreign skin that was bringing so much attention, albeit positive. Did you ever feel uncomfortable in your own skin, even though you knew you were doing what you were supposed to be doing? I have been feeling this way for several weeks! I know finishing school is the right thing to do and that I am right where I belong, but most of the time I feel uncomfortable in my own skin - like I'm wearing a clown-skin and drawing unwanted attention to myself! The boy ended up winning a costume contest at the Boogie Bash, which helped him relax a bit and feel it was worth all the attention. As for myself, I think for the rest of this journey, I will consider my undergrad status as a stint in a clown-suit and my prize will be my degree! Happy Halloween!
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I think there's definitely comfort in numbers. I don't like going anywhere in costume by myself (i.e., on a train or just walking to a party)! :) :)
ReplyDeleteThe fascinating thing is that, even as an adult (though admittedly less often now) I have found myself paralyzed with fear, watching everyone else in a situation to make sure I wasn't going to stick out too much. It consistently shocks people to hear about my social anxiety because in crowds of people I become loud and do my best to make people laugh, even if it is tangentially AT me... because if I'm doing it on purpose then I feel okay. I basically put on my clown suit whenever I get a little bit nervous and no one ever sees what's really going on.
ReplyDeleteI have some fears for Elias, who cries every morning before preschool, and when we are in a room of more than four people gets upset or angry when people look at him and clings to my legs in fear for at least an hour before he warms up. I guess this is better in many ways than shoving your fear and anxiety down until it manifests as chronic migraine and constant illnesses, which is what happened to me.
Hey, Nutmeg...somehow I missed this comment oh so long ago. I think expressing his anxiety is definitely better than keeping it in! I think everyone can relate to feeling socially anxious at one time or another and I also believe that the people who are loudest and drawing attention to themselves are often the ones who are most uncomfortable!
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