Well, let's just get it out in the open...I suck at blogging. In my mind, I am a fabulous blogger... seamlessly integrating every moment of my life into witty and easy-to-read snippets you all can't wait to read. I'm not sure when it happened, but sometime in my old age the act of putting my thoughts into coherent statements for others to read has become a monumental task, requiring way more energy than I typically have at the end of a long day. Today, I decided it was time to make the effort again...so as to not completely disappoint my slew of eager readers.
Have you ever had a moment in life when you just wanted to yell, "Stop the ride!"? The last time I shared with you all, I was coming to terms with a pregnancy. Shortly after posting, I was faced with another unexpected challenge - a miscarriage. The roller coaster continues and never lets me off!!!! I have no way to put into words how emotionally draining this summer has been. Mustering up the strength to become excited about an unexpected pregnancy at a very inconvenient time in life was not an easy task. Trying to work through that process with a husband falling into a deep depression was seemingly impossible. Realizing that it was all for nothing was seriously almost incomprehensible!
The moment I knew I was losing the baby was one of the most bizarre moments of my life. There was this huge part of me that wanted to just heave the biggest sigh of relief...I almost laughed at the feeling of that burden being lifted! Simultaneously, I experienced such grief...a deep sadness that only a mother who has lost a child can understand. It was a weight lifted with another huge weight dropped upon me. I'd say the most difficult part was trying to explain to The Girl. She wept. I wept along with her. It broke my heart. She was already a big sister...making plans...dreaming of her new role in life. It was taken away from her and she didn't understand. There are no good words to explain something so big and confusing to a 4 year old!
The births of my two children were each incredibly long and difficult. Had it not been for the interventions of modern medicine, I would have not survived childbirth. I guess I should have not been surprised that my body handled the miscarriage in a similar manner. It was 10 1/2 weeks total before the process was complete! I felt like a prisoner to my own body. It was a miserable way to spend the summer, but I tried my best to keep moving and show the kids a good time.
Here I am...almost 12 weeks later...trying to figure out why I am so irritable. What a silly question! I don't know how to rest and still be an effective caretaker to those around me. The timeless struggle of motherhood! I start to feel resentment toward everyone and everything around me - not cute, I must admit. I DO know, however, that I will be fine. I always am...and I don't mean I put on a brave face and act fine. My innermost self is always full of joy and can withstand anything. It has been so since I was a small child.
I do not put this out there because I want sympathy or pity...I abhor those sentiments! I share because I need to put my thoughts into words that make sense to others in order for them to make sense to me! I share because maybe someone can learn something from my experience or can take solace in knowing that someone has felt something similar.
And so, the ride continues and I am going with it! Next task...where to grad school? What exactly to study? Hmm...so much on the horizon!
