A Moment of Guilt

I should be writing a paper about Bach's St Matthew Passion.  I should be packing the house for our move next week.  I should be learning Act Three of Albert Herring.  I should be doing dishes, laundry, SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE!  Instead, I'm blogging.  I am wrestling with feelings of frustration, sadness, guilt, worry.  I sat in the chair at the Voice Center today and watched my vocal folds behave in a manner NOT conducive to professional level singing!  For the last six months or so, I have struggled off and on with unexplained vocal issues.  Teachers theorized that it was stress or allergies.  I wondered if the new techniques I have been trying out were ruining my voice.  Sometimes it just felt like I had forgotten how to sing!  Last Sunday, I performed my Junior Recital for a small crowd of family and friends, but I felt a total wreck the entire time.  I struggled to remember words.  I felt unusually nervous.  The truth is, the entire hours length of performance I had this horrible fear that my voice was not going to come out.  I went for notes that generally come with ease, but would find myself flat or sharp!  I felt completely out of control.  I distinctly recall a moment where I thought about walking off the stage and forgetting the whole thing!  It was as if suddenly there was a break in my voice that was never there before.  The love and support of family and friends helped me to feel better about things, but I couldn't shake the overall feeling of disappointment in myself.  My Mom reminisced about my first solo on Easter Sunday when I was two.  I've been singing my entire life.  Most of my childhood I was ill - I had a chronic cough and terrible asthma.  I always wanted to sing anyway.  Most of my performances, I was sick.  I always hated the feeling of performing ill, but couldn't stop doing it!  My high school music teachers always told me I should stick to piano; that my voice wasn't strong enough and I was too sick to be a singer.  I don't really know why I stuck with singing all these years, but that it's who I am.  After all this time, I am finally trying to finish this degree and seriously pursue performance again.  After the lack-luster recital experience, I told the man I thought I would give up singing after I finished my degree and pursue my Masters in acting.  I really thought I had had enough of the unpredictability of this instrument I live with every day.  Today, the doctor told me my voice is damaged and most likely the only treatment is surgery.  He insists it's safe and virtually no-risk.  The idea terrifies me!  There's no such thing as risk-free surgery!  What if when it's over, I can't sing at all?  Yesterday, I was ready to give it up.  Today, I am told it could be taken away from me and I feel like I can't live without it!  Maybe this is God's way of encouraging me to keep at it?  Now for the guilt part... The world is dealing with major disasters right now.  Tremendous loss is everywhere!  I have friends and family battling serious things like cancer!  How dare I feel so sad over the thought of not being able to sing anymore!  I mean, do I really have the right to be depressed over the possibility of losing my singing voice????  I think not.  And so now I am done.  Time to pack some boxes and move forward.